Speaker 0: 0:14

What's up, guys? Dj ESG and this is the Rock Bottom Podcast. And let me tell you something today I have the good, the bad and the absolute ugly. We're going to do two versions of the same speech, because I know graduation's coming up and I know all the kids are like, oh, I gotta sit through this shit. So, guess what? You're going to hear the superintendent's version of grad speech and then you're going to hear ESG's version of grad speech, and you tell me which one you'd rather sit through. All my flowers and friends, all right. So here you go with the superintendent's grad speech for the class of 2025.

Speaker 0: 0:50

Good evening, esteemed parents, who are probably wondering where all that tuition money actually went. Students, the future leaders, who will undoubtedly blame their student loan debt on us. Teachers, the unsung heroes who deserve hazard pay. Overpaid consultants who told us the best way to improve test scores was to buy more expensive pencils Spoiler alert, it didn't work. And underpaid cafeteria staff who somehow managed to make the mystery meat palatable. And, of course, the ever-baffling Council Rock school board who, I hear, are now locked in a fierce debate about whether the new flagpole should be Chrome or wait for it. Brushed Chrome, groundbreaking stuff, truly. Let's also give a lukewarm, golf-clap-worthy round of applause to our Director of Secondary Education, al the man, the myth, the Microsoft Excel evangelist. I swear, if Al sends me one more spreadsheet with 47 tabs each meticulously detailing the optimal font size for inter-office memos and a cell that just says refer to chart pie, I'm not just yeeting my Chromebook into the Schuylkill, I'm going full Viking longboard on that river.

Speaker 0: 1:50

Al's job is basically to suck the joy out of anything remotely resembling fun in school and then make you sit through a PowerPoint presentation with soothing stock photos of people smiling in business attire about why that joylessness is actually peak performance. Here's the human version of dial-up internet. He'd be Toby from the Office, except Toby has hobbies Like uh well, he existed. Al's hobby is probably alphabetizing his collection of staplers. He once held a 90-minute meeting about the existential implications of different colored hall passes, a full hour and a half about laminated rectangles and the deep philosophical question of whether blue signifies more urgency than green. I left that meeting with a migraine, a newfound appreciation for solitary confinement and PTSD paper-thin stress disorder. But uh, I digress because apparently that's what superintendents do.

Speaker 0: 2:32

Tonight is supposedly about the graduates, the class of 2025. You survived pandemics, tiktok trends that age like milk in the sauna and five years of hearing this will go on your permanent record which, let's be real, is about as real as my chances of winning the lottery. It's a comfortable lie. We tell you like kale tastes good or al understands teenagers. Let's talk school board for a hot minute. Our fearless leaders, the same folks who greenlit a four hundred thousand dollar stadium renovation that included heated toilet seats for the visiting team because hospitality apparently matters, but said Affirm, absolutely not to fixing a leaky roof in the library because who needs dry books when we've got Jumbotron? Instant replay of that questionable call from the third quarter Priorities people. They're practically Olympic level at setting them. They also enthusiastically approved hiring a motivational speaker who, for the pricey sum of $8,000, told us Dream it, believe it, achieve it. Who, for the pricey sum of $8,000, told us I could have just watched a cat video compilation and felt more inspired. Maybe next year we'll just hire a mime for half the price. Same message, less noise.

Speaker 0: 3:25

And now here I stand, your humble, slightly unhinged, definitely over-caffeinated superintendent. I got this job because I peaked in high school and have been desperately clinging to any semblance of authority ever since. I send weekly emails that are immediately regulated to the spam folder. I throw around buzzwords like paradigm shift, hoping no one will ask me what they actually mean, and I once tried to connect with students by dabbing. It did not go well. I am, at this exact moment, running on fumes, the faint memory of a good night's sleep and the increasingly vivid fantasy of faking my own death and moving to a remote island that doesn't have Wi-Fi or school board meetings. Let's briefly reflect on my tenure. I once I hired Al. I will carry this burden for the rest of my days. It's not just my bed, it's my professional version of the seventh circle of hell.

Speaker 0: 4:08

I introduced the district vision plan 2030, which, after months of painstaking work, was essentially a PowerPoint slide that said let's try not to screw things up too badly. I am not a role model. I'm more of a cautionary tale wrapped in a poorly tailored suit. Yeah, I've seen that suit, but look at you all shiny and new. You've mastered the art of the strategic cough during presentations to avoid being called on, perfected the blank stare that says I'm listening but absorbing absolutely nothing, and become experts at group chats that somehow manage to be both completely chaotic and utterly pointless. Bravo, you're more than ready for the real world, where nobody cares about your GPA, but they will judge you harshly for using Comic Sans in an email.

Speaker 0: 4:46

Graduates, life is like a poorly organized potluck. Some people bring gourmet dishes, some bring a bag of chips and most just show up empty-handed expecting to eat everything. Figure out which one you want to be, but, for the love of all that's holy, don't be the one who brings a fruitcake. Now go, get out there, be bold, be brave, be employable. That's the real goal, isn't it? And as you gracefully stumble across this stage clutching your diplomas like they're golden tickets out of this town, remember, al will still be here lurking, plotting the next mandatory professional development session on the proper way to sharpen a pencil.

Speaker 0: 5:14

Give me the loudest, proudest, most desperate standing ovation, not because I deserve it I really, really, really. I just don't but because you successfully navigated the bureaucratic labyrinth of Council Rock for the last four years. You deserve a medal, or at least a nap. And with that I only have one thing left to say Al, you're on cleanup duty. I'm Andy Peace. This has been the Rock Bottom Podcast. Peace, love and God above. I'm ESG and I'm out. No-transcript. Peace, love and God above and I'm out. Bye-bye.