Speaker 1: 0:14

What's up guys? Dj ESG, and welcome to the Rock Bottom Podcast, where today we talk about, uh oh, the policy committee Now, with 37% more confusion and 0% snack breaks. I'm going to actually be nice today because I actually like all of these people almost except one. Hi, buddy, remember me. Go fuck yourself. Live from the depths of educational bureaucracy and overpriced real estate. It's the Rock Bottom Podcast. I'm your host, dj ESG, eric Scott Gold, aka the unpaid narrator of your suburban nightmares. Buckle up. We're recapping the Council Rock Policy Committee meeting, or, as I like to call it, netflix for people who enjoy the sound of slow, painful decision making. But, like I said, I'm gonna be nice today because almost all these people, except for that one specific person, I actually have respect for every single one but one we're kicking things off with the district, finally acknowledging that no one has used a blackberry since 2009.

Speaker 1: 1:12

The old policy read like a radio shack inventory list. The new one's more modern. It focuses on what the device does, not what it's called revolutionary stuff, really. So now, if your kid brings in a toaster with tiktok, we're regulating it. If your smartwatch plays spotify, it's banned, unless it's for medical or educational reasons or because the principal just feels like it. The new motto we don't care what it is, if it beeps, we might beep you. Right, the fuck out of class. Military families operation don't screw up this kid's gpa educational opportunity for military children, because nothing says welcome to pennsylvania like an eight paragraph policy explaining why your kid isn't graduating on time because they moved three times in the ninth grade. This one is pretty tame. It's the district's way of saying, hey, military families, we know this whole serving the country thing is stressful enough, without us flunking your kid because our pe credit system is different than missouri's patriotism and policy. We'd love to see it. They're eating our dogs, they're eating our cat. I do not love that man.

Speaker 1: 2:11

Now, student assignments spin the wheel, pick a school. Here's where things get really spicy. This is the policy that determines where your kid actually goes to school. In theory it's supposed to be based on what's best for the student. In reality it's more like a game of where's waldo, but with school boundaries. One brave soul question whether moving a kid from their home school to a different one was really in their best interest and boom, we had ourselves a full-on philosophical meltdown. Next thing, you know, people are arguing over commas, conjunctions and whether the phrase greatest likelihood of success is a legally binding prophecy or just a fancy way to say we ran out of space. Sorry, uh, for the guy that owns the counselor rock parents page. Unofficial note that we also entered the and or olympics. The committee spent 20 minutes deciding whether to use and or and or or possibly just scream into the void. Nothing like a little grammar drama to spice up your monday night. And football comes back.

Speaker 1: 3:05

When health screenings, a full body scan with a side of parental anxiety. Did you know your child is due for a vision screening, hearing test, scoliosis check, bmi rating and psychic evaluation by the age of nine? Like I'm seriously fucking kidding on the last one, although I'm sure it's a draft in there, somewhere it's. It's somewhere in there as a draft, along with fucking mitch cleo sylvia brown and fucking john edwards from crossing over. Parents are given a year's notice before any fucking screenings, which is adorable, because we'll still forget and send our kid in with a lunchable and unbrushed teeth. If your child doesn't have a doctor, no worries. The school, the school's got a district physician. Translation the guy with the least terrifying clipboard wins. Hope they're not giving them to the director of secondary education. Scope it out Literally.

Speaker 1: 3:48

The district now makes a distinction between disabling dietary needs and non-disabling special dietary needs. One could kill you, the other can make you fart in the homeroom. They're both important, but only one will get you a personalized lunch plan and possibly a note home. Also, they replaced references to the national school board association with federal and state guidelines, because apparently someone realized nsba has the same credibility as an expired wahwah gift card. Last on the list. Academic integrity the policy is basically a formal way of saying don't cheat dumbass. The district says it all handled cheating in the code of conduct, but the code of conduct is basically a formal way of saying don't cheat dumbass. The district says it'll handle cheating in the code of conduct, but the code of conduct is basically the Bermuda Triangle of documents. Once it's in there, no one ever sees it again. Still, it's nice to know that if a kid copies someone else's work, there's a vague promise of consequences, like maybe they'll lose recess or be sentenced to one heartfelt conversation with a vice principal. Do we even have those anymore? I think we have like 10 senior principals.

Speaker 1: 4:43

So to cap all this off, throughout the meeting board members pondered life's big questions, like if a student gets capped out of Wrightstown but no one can define educational interest, did the reassignment ever happen? They debated commas like they were negotiating peace in the Middle East. There was talk of peer conflict, enrollment caps, future developments, redistricting and something called the R word, which is apparently how we refer to rezoning now, like it's a dirty term whispered in real estate offices Rezoning Look folks, these policies matter. They sound boring, but they're the fine print behind whether your kid gets a good education or ends up in a folding chair next to the janitor's closet, learning math from a Chromebook with one key missing.

Speaker 1: 5:14

Go back to the budget meeting for all that drama. So if you couldn't attend this meeting, don't worry, I did it for you. I watched grown adults spend 35 minutes debating whether to use a colon and you get to hear it summarized with jokes. We both win. Until next time, keep your kids healthy, your devices educational and your school boundaries flexible, because in Council Rock, nothing's certain except taxes, test scores and a whole lot of policies. Nobody reads anyway until it's too late.