Speaker 1: 0:14

What's up guys? Dj ESG, and welcome to the Rock Bottom Podcast. It is so much fun nowadays when friends just film it for you and they allow you to see what's going on and you don't even have to step foot in the building. It's like a game of Clue. Mrs Scarlet in the library with the wrench, who's the one? All right, grab your Pepto, because we're about to unleash a full, uncontrollable, no holds barred diarrhea dump on the council rock finance committee. Why? Because, once again I love saying it the superintendent can suck my dick. We're keeping the facts but soaking them in sarcasm, marinating them in mockery and hurling them like a fire hose of flaming feces. This isn't just another episode. This is a budgetary battlefield. Let's go all right.

Speaker 1: 1:02

Tonight on the rock bottom podcast, an elite crew of unpaid actors gather in a fluorescent lit dungeon to read spreadsheets aloud to a captive audience of each other. That's right, folks. It's your favorite reality show disguised as a fiscal responsibility. The council rock finance committee meeting. Get ready for mismanaged bids, tech upgrades and the tragic tale of a cookie man that nearly sparked a cafeteria coup. All right, starring Tracy playing the role of chairperson, who wants to be anywhere else, and Tony as the business administrator who's just trying to get through this without crying on the microphone Live from Zoom jail. It's Anne who phoned in from a Nokia flip phone duct taped to a Roomba. We see you, ann, get them calories, burn them shits out, baby. They're spending $161,420 on mystery security devices that they can't tell you about because security translation. Shut up and trust us. I thought my neighbor was the security. Oh jesus christ, snark bomb.

Speaker 1: 2:05

They rejected the lowest bidder because they didn't offer a warranty. Smart thinking, but don't worry. They found another bidder that did offer a warranty and only cost eighteen thousand dollars more. Yay, fiscal trauma. Math fact if the district gets any better at saving money, we're gonna need another referendum to fund the apology tour, tony, we're buying 250 monitors, some 21 inch, some 27 inch, because nothing says educational equity like a monitor cast system. The 21 inch peasants sit in the corner while the 27 inch elites dominate the desktop real estate. We split the bid to save money. Translation, we made it more complicated so no one would ask too many questions.

Speaker 1: 2:44

They rejected the classroom technology bid because wait for it the devices were too affordable. That's right. Low price equals low quality. Let's just not do it at all. We'll spend three months rebidding instead of I don't know buying 500 Chromebooks and not making teachers beg for functioning laptops like it's 2006. Uh-oh, they're wiring up vans with GPS and cameras so you can finally track your child being silently driven to school like an Amazon package. Because what this district needed was more surveillance. Now we can finally monitor Timmy's ride to speech therapy in 4K, ultra-high definition.

Speaker 1: 3:18

Next up drones in the guidance office. Ugh, goodbye my payments plus, hello my school bucks. Now with 100% more hidden transaction fees and cookie surveillance the actual policy. Parents can block their kids from buying cookies on certain days. Uh, why stop there? Let's implement AI cafeteria drones that slap chocolate milk out of their hands if it's a Tuesday. Oh, it's just a smart fee per transaction. Yeah, and my colonoscopy was just a slight massage.

Speaker 1: 3:44

Let's run down the line of software contracts like we're shopping at Budget Amazon Barracuda 62K to archive emails. Adlumen 110K to tell us we're getting hacked. Infolock 31K to feel safe, while we're still using password 123 for half our logins. They're buying more software than a crypto bro during a midlife crisis. But hey, at least Canvas is finally importing data with human sacrifice.

Speaker 1: 4:06

We're getting 4.4 million in federal funds, but don't get excited. That includes food service reimbursements, special ed pennies and invisible medicaid magic. We got half of it. Maybe probably nobody's totally sure. We don't get money from the federal government directly. Anybody watching the fucking news recently. It vanishes into the state, gets laundered through three excel sheets and comes back to us minus 20% in a confusing email from Harrisburg. Then it lands on Al's desk. Hey Al, fuck you too. Piece of shit.

Speaker 1: 4:36

To wrap it all up, they scheduled another meeting because if there's any way better than wasting two hours of your life on PowerPoint slides, it's doing it again next month. Remember that? Kick in the can down the street. Oh my God. Just kick it down with the Chancellor Center budget. Just kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Same board time, same board people, same budgetary diarrhea. So let's just break this down. Tony explained cookies like he was defending the Constitution Roll call. I'll throw a laugh track in there. Zoom screen freezing over Ann's phone call. Side by side. 21 inch monitor versus 27 inch monitor, with royalty style crowns and Council Rock where cookie controls, policy, budget decisions defy logic and security cameras have more job stability than teachers. Oh, my goodness gracious, this has been the Rock Bottom Podcast. To the superintendent and the director of secondary education. I hope you guys have a shitty ass weekend and I hope both your heads get stuck in a toilet. I'm out. Peace, love and God above, and this has been the Rock.