Speaker 0: 0:14

What's up, guys? It's DJ ESG and we are on spring break week. You know what that means? I'm gonna leave Captain Dipshit in this micro midget alone just for one week, so they can do nothing at the beach or on vacation, or with their families, or in a t-shirt or whatever the fuck they wanna do. You know why? Because I don't give a shit. Let them do it. I'll be back Monday, though, smashing and racking, All right.

Speaker 0: 0:34

So welcome to the Rock Bottom Podcast, where the truth isn't served lukewarm. It's set on fire, rolled in sarcasm and delivered with a plastic spork right to the face. If you know what a spork is, you were born when I was born. I'm ESG, your cafeteria critic, mystery meat master and flaming hot advocate for our nation's most underserved and overfried citizens. The kids Strap in folks. We're going down the lunch line of shame. Let's start at the beginning. Little Kids strap in folks. We're going down the lunch line of shame. Let's start at the beginning. Little Timmy, age six, walks to the cafeteria for the first time and what's on the tray? A dinosaur-shaped chicken nugget, congealed mashed potatoes, three peas and a milk carton colder than the school nurse's soul. If you were alive when I was alive, there was a picture on there of missing. Find me Meanwhile.

Speaker 0: 1:13

In Italy, those kids are eating risotto friggin' risotto with fresh basil and a side of dignity. In Japan, kids get hot, balanced meals prepared by actual staff who give a shit. They learn how to serve each other food as part of their education. Over here, we're lucky if a hair-net-wearing temp worker doesn't call them booger eater while slapping turkey sludge on a tray. Let's be honest if you fed an actual prison teammate what we feed elementary school kids in America, the ACLU would be all up in arms, but we serve it to five-year-olds and call it nutrition. Now we level up to the middle school, where bodies are changing, hormones are raging and lunch is still a soggy, beige rectangle of despair. This is the age where kids start questioning authority, and they should, because what the fuck is this food? Here's a sample from a Pennsylvania middle school Microwaved pizza with a crust tougher than your dad's belt from 1986.

Speaker 0: 1:57

A pair that could be used in medieval combat. Chocolate milk that's 50% sugar and 50% state-mandated sadness. And, of course, french fries, because nothing says balanced milk like a pound of oil-soaked starch. Let's talk names. Michelle Obama tried to fix it and people lost their freaking minds. Oh no, my child can't get chocolate milk five times a week. What is this communism? No, Karen, it's called vegetables. What is this communism? No, Karen, it's called vegetables. They grow in the fucking ground, oh my God.

Speaker 0: 2:22

But then in came Sonny Perdue, Trump's Secretary of Agriculture, and he basically said whole grains, Nah, salt limits, Screw that, let's get back to serving diabetes in a tray. He literally rolled back the Obama guidelines because school food was too healthy. Too healthy, that's like saying firemen are too wet. Welcome to high school, a place where choices include greased disc labeled cheeseburger, rectangle pizza made from despair and frozen sins, nachos, red stale chips and lukewarm liquid regret. Or the salad bar, which is this wilted romaine and, ridiculous sadness, ranch dressing.

Speaker 0: 2:48

At this point, the lunch program is a full-blown culinary malpractice. The budget's dried up, the food comes from government surplus and the vibe is like the dmv met a waffle house after a fucking fight. Fun fact the usda actually allows meat into schools that wouldn't meet the quality requirements for fast food chains. So, yeah, Taco Bell said no thanks, but we said give it to the kids. And if you think any of this is normal, in Sweden, students get vegetarian meals with sustainable ingredients. In Brazil, meals are designed by nutritionists to combat childhood obesity and malnutrition. In South Korea you get kimchi, rice soup, vegetables and the feeling that your government gives a fucking shit. And in America we're like can I interest you in lukewarm chicken ring that doubles as a fucking hockey puck.

Speaker 0: 3:27

And now, the grand finale of humiliation the fucking food cards which Council Rock is looking into. That's right Now. Some schools let parents choose what their kids can and can't buy in the cafeteria using a digital system. So now little Billy walks up to get a cookie and beep fucking denied. Sorry, Billy, your mom says no sugar. Maybe go cry next to the vending machine with the broken Sprite button. Are we fucking kidding? These kids are already getting bullied for their clothes, their shoes, their TikToks, and now we're giving them custom lunch. Shame, it's like the Scarlet Letter, but for fucking pudding cups. Sorry, Fluffy, no chips today. As if he wasn't already getting called chunk in gym class, Now he's gotta walk away from the snack line like he's been caught stealing from the fucking register.

Speaker 0: 4:05

Hey school districts, maybe instead of putting kids on blast for wanting a fucking Rice Krispie treat, you should figure out why 70% of your fucking food budget is going to reheat frozen junk from 2005. Or it's going fucking state mandated joke. This isn't food, it's compliance cuisine. It's what happens when bureaucrats and budget cuts have a one-night stand and create a limp taquito with a side of fucking trauma. So every school board still debating whether ketchup is a vegetable, I say this if you wouldn't fucking eat it, don't fucking serve it. And to all the kids stuck eating this crap every day, I see you. You deserve better. You deserve risotto, like the fucking French. You deserve respect, like the Japanese. You deserve a fucking hot meal that doesn't come with a side of mockery. This has been Rock Bottom, where we all burn it down and roast the institutions that need it most. Until next time, keep your trays clean, your fork sharp and your bullshit detectors fully charged. I'm ES.